we've all got scars as big as ours
a token for the pain we hide inside of us
everyone's scared that somebody knows
you push it aside, yeah, that's how it goes
if you've ever heard a beating heart,
a rhythm for the songs we're too afraid to sing
nobody here is perfectly fine
a delicate frame, a fragile design
if there's a hole in your heart,
you gotta pull it together
it takes some courage to start,
but now is better than never
it takes a push and a shove
somehow it's never enough,
and it's alarming how quickly we forget that
nothing's bigger than love
oh, oh, nothing's bigger than love,
nothing's bigger than love, oh, oh
all you need, all you need, all you need is... love
"Bigger Than Love" - My Favorite Highway
What better month than February to talk about love, eh? But I'm not talking about just romantic love - I mean all love. Love for friends, love for yourself, love for the things you enjoy, love for life. All love. Because love is the root of happiness. And I think, in the current state of the world, we are in desperate need of more love.
Now, I want to apologize in advance for how long this journal entry might be. But it's important. I have a lot to say, and a lot to cover. So stay with me here. I want to talk about my own personal goals for this year and for life in general, what you can expect from me, and just some words of wisdom and thoughts in general. I'll try to keep this organized, but my thoughts are often sporadic so.
But, yes - love. All I ever try to promote and encourage is love. My views are all rooted in love and acceptance, and I want people to broaden their minds, I want people to question what they think and why they think it. I want more people to think outside of the box. I want you to challenge the norm because the norm, the way things currently are, doesn't mean that's how it should be or what is best. i want people to love each other, I want people to stop judging each other on arbitrary grounds. There is no reason to hate someone for having a different skin color, for having a different sexuality, for following a different religion, for having a different set of genitals between their legs, for identifying however they choose. The only reason is simply that - hate. And ignorance. A lack of understanding, and a reluctance to understand.
I think it's fairly obvious, but if not, let me just say it now - I am not a supporter of Trump. If you've been following me for any amount of time, I'm sure you realize that. I will not keep my opinions hidden, I will never censor myself or what I believe. If you are someone who supports the hateful notions of Trump and his followers, I don't think you should be following me or my work. It is beyond me how anyone can support the filth that comes out of his mouth. It is beyond me how anyone can support a raging misogynist, racist, xenophobic rapist. And it does make me sad, knowing how many I've had to block because they had come out as Trump supporters or those who believe in hateful, close minded views. And many of you have followed me for years, and know the things I've struggled with, and were there for me. That's why it shocked me to learn some of you have these hateful views of certain groups. You were there during my abusive relationship, the one in which I was raped regularly for over a year - and yet you apparently support someone who has allegedly partaken in rape and sexual assault, or at the very least excuses it and blames the victims. Which I will not tolerate on my page.
Some have accused me of censorship, because I exercise my right to block whomever I want. Let me be very clear on this issue. You have the right to say and believe whatever you want, no matter how awful. Okay, no one is denying that. Think what you will. Say what you will. However, that does not mean people can't react to what you say or believe. If I have people on my page who support or promote hateful or harmful rhetoric, I do indeed block them. This is to make my page safe for everyone. I don't want any of my followers/watchers feeling threatened. So I will block those who are homophobic, transphobic, sexist, racist, etc. That said, I also have the right to block anyone for ANY reason I want. You don't have a right to my page or to interacting with me on here. That is not censorship to block someone who is rude to me, tries to start arguments, etc. Yes, I do block people who disagree about nudity and sex being natural rights - and I mean, it doesn't make sense, why would you follow a nude model anyway if you think nudity is so harmful? Why would you follow a sex worker if you find sex harmful? I don't believe in censorship - of swearing, nudity, or sex. It's not so much that I want opposing views to be censored, it's that these harmful, hateful views shouldn't exist in the first place. No one should think anyone is lesser just because of the color of their skin, no one should think someone is inferior just because they're a woman. Those are views and I cannot and will not ever support. Why would I allow people who do not respect my existence or the existence of others on my page? YOU can still say whatever you want, just not here. You have your own page, your own profile, you can say whatever you want anywhere else but here. That. Is not. Censorship. Adding on to that, the people I do block who oppose the non harmful things I promote, usually I block them because they do not offer any new insight or argument that I have not already refuted or acknowledged. I don't have the time, nor do I have the desire, to argue and debate people who are not going to budge or open their minds anyway. Trust me, with many if not all of my views, I have considered just about every angle, and have come from the opposite side to where I stand now. For example, I used to be someone who shamed others for having sex or for showing their bodies. I am now the exact opposite, obviously.
By all means, follow me even if you don't agree, but if you're going to argue, bring something new to the table. Stop buying into arbitrary morals and social values. Question why you think something is "wrong." At least have an open mind if you insist on following me, and have respect for me. I never lash out at anyone who doesn't first lash out at me. I will never attack your appearance, I will never just randomly insult you unless you insult me first. And even then, my insults are pretty mild. I will also never tell you to kill yourself, like some of you have told me, or that you deserve to get beat up or hurt in any way, again, like some of you have said to me. I don't attack, I react in defense. My purpose, my intent, is never to insult anyone, but to defend those who are the victims and targets of oppression, and to challenge harmful, negative views that many people have. Maybe if you don't exactly agree with me when you first follow me, some of my posts will encourage you to reflect and challenge your own thinking and view point. That is my goal. When someone disagrees or causes an argument with me, I simply block them. There is no further harassment or attacks from my end. I simply do not have the desire to put anyone down or to make their lives miserable. I block, and move on.
For some reason, there are people who get so upset over me blocking them. Many usually make another account right away to get a few last remarks in or to simply insult me or wish bad things on me. Some even go as far as to make many, many accounts to harass and spam me with, and try to interfere in my personal life, which of course is not appreciated. And if you've followed me for a while, you know that I do make examples out of people who send me harassment, threats, whatever. That is because if you feel comfortable saying such hateful things to someone, you should also feel comfortable with your name and face being attached. I mean, I put all my opinions and thoughts and my body out there, I have no shame in my views. And then some of you get pissy when I just screen shot what you chose to send me out of hate and spite, and put it on display. I do this to discourage hate and just to show you all what kind of shit I have to deal with at times. I have never encouraged anyone to harass someone who's harassed me - actually, the opposite, I've told people to leave others alone and not do anything to them. While some people have come forward and told me that someone tried to get them to attack and harass me and whatnot on their behalf. By the way, thank you to all those who have told me these things and who have shown me support. I appreciate it more than you know.
All of that said, I am happy. And I am very full of love. And I believe in goodness and kindness. Personally, I don't believe there is such a thing as a "nice person." Niceness, to me, isn't a personality trait, it is a choice. I think there are kind people - those who continuously and consistently choose to be nice would be kind. I think everyone has the potential to be nice. And I don't think there is a person who is always bad or mean or awful. I think we all choose to be nice at times, and I think a lot of people are very selectively nice. Some only are nice to those who benefit them or are just like them. That's why I make the distinction between "nice" and "kind" - everyone is nice, to someone, or in certain situations or settings, but not everyone is kind.
I'm not trying to focus on the negatives here, I just wanted to address a few recent issues and try to make my own position clear, and as always, I strive to be transparent with you all. Which does bite me in the ass sometimes, but you know, I don't want to be something I'm not. And that's another thing, in relation to the blocking and whatnot, I feel like that should prove to you guys that I favor quality over quantity. If I cared solely about how many views and followers I got, then I would let anyone just be on my page or interact with me. So it's not a popularity thing for me. It's not an attention thing (although I won't deny enjoying attention, and I don't see that as a bad thing, but hey, to some that makes me an awful person). I want to be around like minded people, I want to be around people who understand what I'm saying, I want to be around open minded, thoughtful people. I want to foster the energy of those who are kind and creative. I want to see change in the world, and the things I talk about are the changes I want to see, I want to start movements and change the way people think, I want to see this world do and be better. I want a community of kind, compassionate people. So of course I'm going to try to limit those who are the opposite from coming here. But I also do appreciate diversity, it's just the opinions that disrespect the existence of certain groups, that oppose natural rights, I can't get behind those. Those that approach from a rational, open minded place, though, even if we don't fully agree on every single little thing, I welcome those people. I welcome you if you are willing to be challenged and if you're willing to see things in a way you might not have considered before. I welcome you. Please, I wish more of you sent me messages with lengthy discussions on all sorts of topics - you have no idea how fun those are for me when we both just freely write out our thoughts and get to know each other. I've had an exchange like that recently and it was just so nice. And anyone who's actually taken the time to talk to me or have these discussions with me, they have all had a positive reaction and view of me, so I mean... Of course, I'm not for everyone. And I don't care if anyone dislikes me or not. I just think it's a waste of energy to obsess over someone you apparently hate so much and to put so much effort into trying to hurt them. And really, it's not good for your own wellbeing either - and I'm not saying that in a threatening way of course, I just mean that kind of anger and hate does get at you mentally and keeps you from feeling happy and focusing on the positive things.
I feel like a lot of people misinterpret me or have a very limited, shallow understanding of me. And maybe I come across as certain ways, and maybe on a surface level I'm unlikable. My point is, if you actually wanted a more accurate understanding of me as a person, you would talk to me rather than just simply lash out and attack me. And if you really don't like me, that's fine, but just move on. If you took so much time and energy out of yourself and focused it on every single person you disliked or didn't agree with... Wow, you would have no time or energy left to improve yourself or to do the things you enjoy.
So with all of that said, I want to get back to my main focus here. Love. Kindness. Compassion. Those things are what I care about most. You know, I'm a sensitive, emotional person, not because I'm a woman, that's just who I am as a person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I feel all emotions very intensely. Though I've also grown to have very thick skin and I personally view myself as a strong person. I feel like with the things I've been through in my life, how I've survived every one of them, I just feel like no matter what happens, I'll be okay. Somehow. There was a point in my life where I thought it wouldn't get better, it would always be hard and just suck, but in turns out, it can indeed get better. And I used to view crying and pain and suffering as weaknesses, like there's always been that rhetoric that to be tough, you have to just get over it, you don't cry about it, you don't talk about it. But you know what? All those tears were the water that my soul needed to grow. Trying to be a little poetic and artsy here about it haha. But that is the truth, really. The pain, the suffering, the hardships. I'm not saying you have to be grateful or appreciate all the shitty things that happen to you, because you don't. Your feelings are valid, always. However, I personally have come to appreciate the obstacles I've had to go through in my life. Because, like I said, I feel invincible now. And I absolutely love who I am, which I never thought I could. I want to inspire people, you know, like I want people to be able to look at me and think "she's been where I am, and if she can do it, if she can get past it, so can I." I want to turn the pain into something beautiful. Like, I've been so much more optimistic lately, and I think a lot of that is that I try to turn everything into something positive. For example, if your plans for the day get canceled or they don't go how you wanted them to, it's an opportunity to try something different, or like with the canceled plans, now your day is free to make of it whatever you wish, to do what you want with it. Like if my plans to go out get canceled, I always think, okay well I can just chill at home and get some reading done, stuff like that.
As I said, I had a really nice exchange through notes on here recently. One topic we talked about, since I had been thinking about it recently, was about bullying and how, in a way, our treatment of each other shapes who we are. I think this concept is very simple in the broad sense and most people understand it. But actually implementing the concepts of kindness and the "treat others how you want to be treated" principle seems a bit more difficult, or people are just unwilling to abide by them. Think about all the mass shootings and murders we have had in recent years, and that are still going on. People with different motives, but I think a common theme is that some people feel like outcasts, or they seek revenge on those who have hurt them. And, I am by no means excusing anyone who commits any of these atrocities, but think about it... People bullied in school. For years. Usually the underdogs, outcasts, freaks, whatever. They're pushed around, beaten, told to kill themselves, told they're not good enough, that they're ugly, whatever. That shit really does get to a person. Not everyone, some people eventually get over it, some use it to better themselves and to spread awareness and positivity instead. But many focus those negative feelings and turn them into destruction - of themselves, of those that hurt them, or of anyone. People self harm or commit suicide. People become the bullies themselves and get revenge, or target anyone they can to cope with their own pain. They feel pain, and they need an outlet, some way to get others to feel that same pain. These bullies in school, a lot of them usually privileged and somehow able to get away with doing these things, they barely even think about what they do, to them it's a game. And, of course, some suffer the abuse at home from parents or other loved ones. Either way, pain is pain, no matter who deals it. People grow up with that pain, they only know pain, and, especially if they're abused at home, can relate pain and abuse to love or caring. So they grow up, and one day, it gets to be too much, one day they snap, or they're planning their big revenge for months or years or whatever. They finally fight back. And if you've been abused and hurt for so long by everyone around you, you just lash out at anyone. To you, no one is exempt from your punishment. After hurting for so long, you just want to hurt back. Obviously, we are all responsible for our own actions, but it would be naive to think how we treat each other has no consequences, that we have no affect what-so-ever on other people's lives. Some people can take it, some can't. Either way, there's no reason to bully someone. There's no reason for the abuse. But unfortunately, it often is a cycle - those that are abused are more likely to abuse others (not always though, as I said, other people turn it around into something positive). So I think it is important to keep all this in mind and just be nice to each other. I'm not saying be best friends with everyone, but stop causing unnecessary pain, stop putting other people down to boost your own ego. Like I've always thought, it's weird to think about how everyone you got to school with might turn out, who they will grow up to be. Who will be the murderers and rapists? Who will be the "good guys?" How scary is it to think that the sweetest kid in school, because everyone bullied and tortured them, will come in one day with a gun and just start shooting.
And sorry if that's a bit depressing, here in the midst of trying to talk about love and all that, but if we're going to talk about love, we have to talk about hate and pain and suffering. We have to talk about why people hurt rather than help. It is not useful to ignore that these problems, these awful actions and events, do exist. But that is precisely why I am talking about love and kindness. Because that's where it all begins, that is the solution. It sounds so simple, and it should be, but this world is not a world of love. not right now.
So I want 2017 to be the year of love. I want a revolution of love, and I want it to start now. 2016 was such a bad year for so many people (though this was personally a fairly good year for me). I want to be more peaceful, more calm, I want to just let things go more easily. Not because I'm not passionate or angry or want my voice heard, but because I need inner peace, I need to stop letting my own anger hurt me. When other people are mean to me, when they're hateful and ignorant, I don't want to be a doormat, but I also just want to be able to show kindness and love. Because maybe that's where it all starts. Those that hurt and hate, maybe they can't be the ones who take the first step. Maybe we have to. Maybe they haven't been shown much kindness in their lives, and again, that doesn't excuse any horrible actions they commit or things they say, but maybe if we all acted a little more thoughtful, if we stopped to discuss instead of jumping to arms right away, things would get better. At least, for myself, I just want to radiate love and happiness and peace, that is the energy I want to have. I appreciate my anger and passion, and I will never get rid of those things, but I want a little more balance for myself, I want my inner being to feel good and positive, I don't want to let negative energy get the best of me. I want to take a step back when a conflict arises, assess, and go in first with kindness. I truly do believe that showing kindness and compassion towards others can make a huge difference. It's not always easy, but I think it's worth a shot. And I am talking compassion for all beings - not just those similar to you, and not just humans. Kindness for all beings. Take the time and do something nice whenever you can. Because, hey, maybe karma is a thing, and if not, being altruistic can just make you feel better on its own, and people are usually nice to those that are nice to them. Maybe instead of getting hostile when someone insults you, try to compliment them instead or wish them well, if not for anything else but just to confuse them or make them reevaluate their own actions. If everyone is mean to each other just because someone was mean to them, it just becomes this never ending domino effect of hate and violence.
And don't forget to love yourself. I think prioritizing oneself and being proud of yourself is still stigmatized. There is nothing wrong with loving who you are and being proud of yourself and your accomplishments and rightfully crediting yourself with those accomplishments. Loving yourself doesn't take away from loving others, and it's not like you owe anyone in the first place. Of course, it's great to help other people and to be kind, but as long as you are doing no harm, there shouldn't be anything expected beyond that. Pamper yourself this year, do things for YOU, stop putting yourself on the back burner. You deserve love and kindness just as much as anyone else does. So give that to yourself. Love, kindness, compassion - that all starts with the treatment of oneself. If you can't find it in you to be nice to yourself, how can you do that for others? Of course, it isn't required to love yourself to love other people or do nice things, but it helps when you are secure and confident in who you are. I feel it's so much easier to compliment other people and support them when I am feeling happy with myself and confident in my own abilities.
2017: love others, love yourself. Make Kindness Relevant Again.
I feel like I have a lot to say on all these things, but I don't want this to get too long and cause y'all to lose interest, so I'm going to move on with things to expect from me this year. I definitely do plan on making videos about this message and goal though, so stay tuned for those.
YouTube - yes I do plan on making videos regularly! ...finally. And I mean it. I am, however, waiting until I can afford a decent camera for vlogging and whatnot. If you want to support me and my potential YouTube career, tips on MFC or money from photo commissions will be going towards a new camera. I am unsure of which one I am getting yet, I have a few I'm looking at, some more expensive than others, so that depends on how much money I make in the coming months. I think the cheapest one I'm considering is around $600, with the more expensive (and most likely better quality) ones are around $1000. If you haven't checked out my current poll yet, and you're interesting in my YouTube content, make sure you vote! I plan on doing all sorts of video types anyway, but I'm just trying to gauge what topics and types of videos you all are interested in seeing most.
Modeling - I feel like I've been saying this at the start of every year for the past few years, but I am planning on getting serious with the modeling career. I have it on this year's goals list to do at least 5 photoshoots with other photographers I believe. And hopefully I'll find the inspiration to pick up my own camera and start doing self portraits again soon. Definitely gonna start with local photographers, building up my portfolio, and then as I make more money and get more experience, will hopefully travel for shoots.
Acting - also gonna try to get started on this! Kinda goes hand in hand with the modeling, as modeling I think is good practice for acting, and I need head shots. Might look into acting classes around here and maybe try to get into some local movies and projects, and, as a far off chance, I do want to try to look into getting on Supernatural and other shows I like. That would be my dream come true tbh.
Music - again, gonna try to start my music career finally. Gonna save for music recording equipment and as another one of my goals for this year, I want to do at least 5 song covers. I'm also working on learning more music on piano, and learning how to play guitar. Additionally, I am starting to work on writing my own lyrics and will hopefully have my own original songs out soon as well. And by soon I mean hopefully before this year ends.
Fitness - My goal for this year is to hit the gym at least 5-6x a week, still getting into that new gym schedule at the moment. Also trying to do yoga everyday or at least very consistently. I also want to start taking aerial hoop/silks and pole dancing classes, if I can find any local studios for that stuff. Trying again at last year's goal to hit a 100lb bench press, at least for one rep. Also want to be able to do 10 pull-ups, a hand stand, scorpion pose, and the splits. Also hoping to finally launch my personal training career, and I am currently in the process of getting my fitness nutrition specialization to broaden my health/fitness services. And I need to get re-certified in CPR/AED this summer, so I'm also going to get certified in first aid while I'm doing that, because why not. I'm also gonna try to get sponsored by some fitness brands and companies. And I hope to get into regular rock climbing and taking some kick boxing classes.
Traveling - I'm hoping this year I'll finally get to do some more traveling. I know the plan to go to Arizona last month didn't work out, but my best friend and I are planning to go to Niagara Falls later this year, maybe some sort of road trip aside from that as well (I mean we do plan on driving there so that's a road trip in itself at least), I would love to finally go to California this year, would also like to still see Arizona, and Colorado. Maybe even see about going out of the country? I dunno, I'm just really in love with the idea of traveling and exploring the world and the outdoors and I hope I can do a little bit of that this year.
Moving out - hoping my best friend and I finally get our own place this year. Definitely looking forward to being able to cam any time of the day, whenever I want, and also being able to do photoshoots whenever. Plus, and what I'm probably most excited about, being able to decorate my living space however I want, having my kitchen set up however, stocking the house with vegan food, all that good stuff.
Movement / Message / Causes / Long Term Goals - I just want to spread love and I want to perform and make art and make people smile and laugh. I want to bring awareness to and help prevent abuse, rape, homelessness, and discrimination. I want people to know they are capable of whatever they set their minds to. In the most likely distant future, I want to create and own a vegan soup kitchen/food bank. I want to help nudity and sex become normalized in society and get rid of the harmful stigma attached to them. I want people to know they can be whoever they want to be and they are not limited by their sex or race or anything else. I would love to be able to donate to charity this year, and make it a regular habit, and I would like to donate to causes helping non human animals as well as humans - help homeless pets find homes, stop animal agriculture, help the environment, feed the hungry, etc. I definitely want my art and presence to make statements on all these issues and to help those in need. So I can't wait to work with other creative people to bring my visions to life and to help make a positive change.
And I think that covers the important stuff. I might post a list of all my goals for the year if anyone is interested, but for now, that's the main stuff.
Also, guys, I will be on cam for Valentine's Day in a special new outfit, so make sure you're there for that. I mean I'll probably get on cam at some point before that too but Valentine's Day of course will be a special one. Snapchat will get a preview of that outfit before then so make sure you get it if you don't have it already and are interested in that.
So yeah, I think that's all for now. I'm gonna try to write journal entries more often, because I really do enjoy sharing my thoughts with you all and covering the deeper stuff, and until I start making videos, this is probably the best way to really get all my thoughts out there. If you have questions, comment here or send me a note, feel free to discuss, converse, whatever, of course.
I love you all and appreciate the support and kindness you've shown me over the years. Don't think I don't notice all the nice comments and messages I get - I read every single one. Thank you for being there for me, and please, let me be there for you if you need it.
We are all in this together.